Beach Bum

I am seriously contemplating renting out my flat and traveling the world.

Should probably get a few flats though and it should probably be paid off first…

I wonder if I have traveled the world and saw every nook and cranny.  Would I do it all over again?  Would I be satisfied?  What will be next?

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Scattered Ideas

I have a million and one ideas flooding my head.  I cannot wait to explore them all.

I have a million and one business concepts in my head and I cannot wait to explore all of them as well.

I cannot wait to move into our little house.

I cannot wait for Wednesday’s exam to be gone.  I have things to do and places to go to.

I feel excited about my friend’s baby room for some obscure reason.  I cannot wait to start painting little giraffe portraits for it.

We are thinking of a Thailand honeymoon.  I just want to plan it allready without having the exams in the back of my mind.

I have an excellent idea for the Friday before our wedding.  Cannot wait for that either! 🙂

I cannot wait for many things.  Summer is one of it as well.

Deep and dark places

I don’t know where this unhappiness is coming from, but it is taking me to deep and dark places.

It might be that I am unhappy that my fiancè didn’t take the new job with the R7000 increase. He would’ve even travelled with me to town and we coud’ve had the odd lunch together.  We would’ve saved petrol.  Plus he would’ve had a foot in the door for overseas traveling.  It might be why I am unhappy.

I might be unhappy due to the fact that no one respects me.  Especially the receptionist that sits behind me and talks too much even after I asked her not to.  I thought I love my job, but I am sure I don’t.  I don’t like the environment.  I thought it would be different in a big company.  I thought we’d have teambuilding and fun and games.  I guess that is just for the engineers.  Don’t mind me.  I also studied, in fact I studied gant charts and project management.  I am not a pauper.  Now I earn so much money that it will be dumb to leave and explore tutoring classes.  Yes it will work out, but I am not sure if it will work out as great as I am earning now.  I should be grateful for a big job in a big company with lotsa people.  Even if they tell me “what are wearing. You look tired. Why aren’t you smiling.”

God has to pick me up out of this deep dark hole.  I am not happy and it scares me.  I don’t want to feel like this.  I don’t want to be unhappy.  I don’t want to be scared of going to work.  I want to love work and I want to love the people.  I just want to be happy and be respected and cared for.  I want to smile. I want to wake up refreshed.  I want to wake up excited.  I want to jump out of bed, late.

I am not enjoying this life.  I don’t understand it.  People are just making  babies and getting divorced.  I don’t get it. 

I feel lost and alone in this world. 

Breakfast Club

Dit het onder my aandag gekom dat die ingenieurs in my departement gister oggend vir ontbyt gegaan het.  Dit het al voorheen gebeur dat hulle vir middagete gegaan het.

Dit stem my hartseer.  Ek wil sê ek weet nie hoekom nie, maar ek weet.

Dit laat my uit voel.  Tog weet ek nie of dit die doel is nie.  Hoekom sal hulle so iets doen?  Spanbou?  ‘n Hegte band vorm?

Dit het my heeldag in ‘n aaklige bui van depressie gehad.

Hoekom word die tegniese span nie ook op ‘n ontbyt getrakteer nie?

Is ons nie goed genoeg nie?

Is ons die gepeupel?

Ek het ook drie jaar geswot? Inteendeel ek swot nog heeltyd! Ek is konstant besig met kursusse om my op te bou.

Ek is so kwaad en so hartseer gelyk.  Ek voel vernederd.  Ek voel misrabel.  Ek voel soos ‘n grou wintersdag.  Soos ‘n drygende storm.

Sê ek dit vir ons hoof ingenieur? Of sê ek dit vir HR. Of hou ek dit vir myself en probeer dit verwerk?

Dit laat my nie deel van die span voel nie.  Ek wonder of die ander departemente se ingenieurs dit ook doen.

Dit grens aan slawerny. Aan eersteklas vliegtuigsitplekke waar die gordyn toegetrek word.

Dit stem my negatief.

Irritasies en ander fieterjasies

As daar nou een ding is wat ek nie kan vat nie, is dit ‘n geskinder.  Daar is eintlik ‘n paar goed wat ek nie kan vat nie. 

Die geraas van ‘n pakkie aartappelskyfies soos iemand hul hand daarin druk en weer uithaal.  Dit irriteer my grensloos. 

Mense wat fluister.

Die gekap van handpalms op ‘n tafel asof die mense wafferse dromspelers is.

Mense wat neurie… mense wat al langs die noot neurie.

Die geluid van ‘n mond wat slaai eet, reg langs my.

Al hierdie geluide vererger met kwadraat 10 as ek besig is om te sit en werk.  Met ander woorde, konsentreer.

Mense wat sug.  Aanhoudend. 
Dit voel as of die sug op my skouers val en my af druk in die grond in.  Dit voel asof die gras vrek waar daardie sug val.

Die geluid van n lepel wat geroer word of klingel teen die kante van n pap bak of ‘n jogurt houertjie.

Mense wat aanhoudend praat.  Mense wat met hulself praat.  Mense wat sê wat hulle doen vir hulself en hoekom.

Dit is veiliger om te sê alles irriteer my.

Daar is grade van irritasie, of eerder ander klasse. 

Soos byvoorbeeld as iemand nie kan spel nie.  Dit sit my af.

Net so ook as mense in geselskap op hul foon is. Al is daar net twee mense.  Sit sit my ook af.  Dit stel my teleur.

5 September 2012

Evening,

I am so behind with my blog, it is not even funny.

This morning I had a bit of a slow start, had early breakfast, wheatbix, but only started my assignment at around 10am or 11am.  Had a good hour or two working on it.

The kitchen was a mess, tried cleaning it a bit, but washing the dishes had to wait.  My mom went to watch birds at around 6am and that causes everything to be disturbed.  I had to make food, but I just have too much assignments now and have to try and finish it before going to pick up the kids.

Didn’t have a good day at ‘work’.  The boy looks sad or distracted every day.  I am not sure what the problem could be.  But each day he is more quiet than the previous day.  We had to go to the library and the boy made us late, because he likes to sit on the toilet for long and gets distracted when he needs to just get dressed and run.

Saw one of my old teachers at the library and I suppose she didn’t notice me or remembered me, Juffrou Aucamp.  My hockey teacher and my bookkeeping teacher.

Think I should go study at the library from now on, it seems quiet there.  Which will be good.  The blood donation group were there today and it seems scary.  The little guy wants to know how long can blood stay alive.  Can anyone tell?  How long can you keep donated blood? 

Funny enough, we got all our tasks done, but it wasn’t a satisfying day.  It feels like the girl is on her own mission.  She had lunch at 4:30 and I told that to the mom and she got scolded at.  My fault!  I just felt the mother should know and she should eat right.  I guess she was so sucked into her book. 

I walked the dog, but the girl didn’t want to come along, I am not sure why.  Maybe it is me?  I saw the most beautiful bird on our way.  It should be a sugarbird, because of its size.  It is black and green in colour.

Mom made dinner, I just made us some mash with it.  And then it took me 2 hours to start with my assignments… I am more distracted than the boy, I guess. 

Today is Mr Guy and me’s 21 month dating anniversary.  He gave me little flowers he picked out of the garden.

Today was so-so, nothing great or grand.  I shall have to surprise the lil guy with something tomorrow or try and make the day fun.  I don’t like it when he looks so gloomy.

Off to assignments once again.

xxx

30 August 2012

Good evening.

Posted yesterday’s blog this afternoon, but it somehow didn’t publish, it only went through now. I am running a bit behind, hey.

The doorbell rang at 7:40, the gardener announced his arrival and I was awake since then.

Had breakfast outside and a crazy mother inside. She is sick and somehow very moody. It causes stress and tension in me. I hate it when she shouts. That’s when I decided to take the dog for a walk. She LOVED it. She doesn’t stop running, even though I can hear that she is out of breath, she keeps on pushing forward. Wish I had that ability in me when I run. 😀 She found water and the mud just came with it. Of course she had to stand in it with all four paws, drinking water.

The afternoon went by in a rush. I had to bake cupcakes for my brother’s office.. Made lunch. Mr Guy had half day and could run the errands my mom once again gave me.

The lady boss phoned me and I missed her call, I felt like such an idiot. She just wanted to make sure that I am going to fetch the kids. Which was a daunting task, especially the boy. There’s no parking at the school and all the moms are there and to top it all… boy child was playing with his mates on the other side of the fence. I had to park the car, call him across the fence, but he didn’t hear me. Then I had to ask another girl standing closer by to call him for me. They had lunch and I stood around not knowing what to do. This is sort of terrible. I am not sure if the studying went well, he coloured in and I studied, asking him questions. I know he loved it, but was it the right way? Is he going to ace his test? Only time will tell. At least he drew pictures relevant towards his studies.

I had to make dinner once again. A quick one, since we had band practice. Which was enjoyable, except for long periods of admin and waiting, but one of my favourite songs are in it. The modified Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin. If I am not mistaken.

Mr Guy went for his back and his uncle and had a nice chat about the pets and camera’s.

Back home I had to ice the cupcakes. Except my brother left me a message saying the following: “if you are tired or so, you don’t have to ice the cupcakes. I will buy some cake tomorrow rather.” Disturbed much? I didn’t enjoy that message at all. Iced it anyway.

Time for bed! Looking forward to tomorrow’s challenges.

Forgot to tell you that the engineer phoned yesterday while I was with the kids, he left a message. He asked me when I would be coming in, as we discussed last Friday and that he’ll call again…

Night night

xxx

Foto

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