Deep and dark places

I don’t know where this unhappiness is coming from, but it is taking me to deep and dark places.

It might be that I am unhappy that my fiancè didn’t take the new job with the R7000 increase. He would’ve even travelled with me to town and we coud’ve had the odd lunch together.  We would’ve saved petrol.  Plus he would’ve had a foot in the door for overseas traveling.  It might be why I am unhappy.

I might be unhappy due to the fact that no one respects me.  Especially the receptionist that sits behind me and talks too much even after I asked her not to.  I thought I love my job, but I am sure I don’t.  I don’t like the environment.  I thought it would be different in a big company.  I thought we’d have teambuilding and fun and games.  I guess that is just for the engineers.  Don’t mind me.  I also studied, in fact I studied gant charts and project management.  I am not a pauper.  Now I earn so much money that it will be dumb to leave and explore tutoring classes.  Yes it will work out, but I am not sure if it will work out as great as I am earning now.  I should be grateful for a big job in a big company with lotsa people.  Even if they tell me “what are wearing. You look tired. Why aren’t you smiling.”

God has to pick me up out of this deep dark hole.  I am not happy and it scares me.  I don’t want to feel like this.  I don’t want to be unhappy.  I don’t want to be scared of going to work.  I want to love work and I want to love the people.  I just want to be happy and be respected and cared for.  I want to smile. I want to wake up refreshed.  I want to wake up excited.  I want to jump out of bed, late.

I am not enjoying this life.  I don’t understand it.  People are just making  babies and getting divorced.  I don’t get it. 

I feel lost and alone in this world. 

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